Today I told a homeless man he was going to die. Now, what happened after that I do not know as I simply walked briskly off to where I was going. I like to think he turned his life around in order to prevent his immanent death, but maybe he simply stayed there and rotted like roadkill on a hot day.
So many things rummage around up there. For someone so helplessly against change I feel I'm doing quite well, I may have slipped up a couple of times but who hasn't, you know. "Well it's a good thing, old Gregory's growing up" Oh what a shame, but I suppose all these inquisitive onlookers into my life have a point, I am growing up. But no, I've always been mature and that, I'm not only just "growing up" I'm just starting to ignore the warning signals in my head that go off every time my life changes slightly causing my stomach to churn and twitch, a tiny bit of perspiration appears on my brow. But I'm practiced enough to not let this discomfort show, so I just carry on as normal.
You can't blame me for not liking change, I mean from an early age I was subtly conditioned to believe that anything that changed was bad, therefore making me develop a problem with it. I was such a fucked up little child. I think the worst part was my confidence, it pushed so many people away because they didn't realise how much help I needed. I was so broken inside.
I feel like one of those robots that are programmed to repair themselves, they fix and fix away at their outer shell and inner wires. But they cannot fix their firmware, so people will look at the robot and assume its fine, nice finely polished exterior, good looking set of wires. And yet within its "brain" it goes against everything it was designed for. Except with me I can hide it, a robot can't.
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