I've thrown myself into a pit. Ironically by choice, usually I fear falling down accidentally. I've warned myself about this feeling, emptiness following the enrichment. This fucking Devil made me warm and then filled me with ice.
I feel like the little child who followed his friends into a cave, equipped with lights and food, but they leave him in the dark and cold on his own. I don't know how to feel right now, hence I'm sitting on my floor writing as a girl lies naked in my bed asking me what I'm doing.
I'm worrying that's what I'm doing. I don't know whether to run back into by shell of inadequacy or to just take it with a pinch of salt hoping for the best. There comes a point where one should raise the question about why I keep writing this stuff, none of you understand me. I suppose I am reaching out for help from the small amount of people who read this blog but I never make a damned bit of sense, stupid defence mechanisms.
I don't know what to do really, I'm supposed to be happy. Maybe I am happy, maybe that's the real problem. This is just my mind realising that it's gone too far down the rabbit hole and now it wants to come out. But that's natural really isn't it? I'm messed up, this is not good what I am doing right now. I feel I'm on the verge of self sabotage, it's definitely within my nature.
But it's the not understanding that makes you so intriguing. You're posts are like riddles. I suppose I read them hoping for a clue as to what is really going on... I often sense that you are somewhat troubled, but you're also very eloquent.
ReplyDeleteAnd since it says this is for you not us I don't ever expect an answer.
But you know we are here, and we would listen and help if we could. In that I certainly speak for Andrea as well I'm sure :)
We all commit self sabotage sometimes. I've been there more times then I care to remember.